Heaven 's Waiting


My daughter, Patty
There is not a day, not a minute nor a second that that goes by, when I don’t think of you and miss your life. In darkest of nights I belt up from my sleep and I can hear you crying for me from far, far away.

I run my hands over my belly and I feel completely incomplete. I grieve and long for you to be shielded in my protective arms.

It’s been almost year, but I continue to search. I only want an answer so maybe I could fill the humongous hole that has grown inside my heart. But I know there isn’t enough prayer, enough love, enough justice to return to me what I lost.

I lean back against the cedar rocking chair and trace the yellow walls with my eyes. This room holds so much pain – so much anguish, but yet, it calms me. It gives me peace for just a moment as I pretend that you are still sleeping in your crib and not buried under six feet of dirt.

People keep telling me that ‘time heals even the deepest wounds’ – but I’m still bleeding. They tell me that I need to go on with my life – but you see my baby girl, you were my world and now that you’re gone, I’m floating helplessly through space.

The night you died, I had a dream that god had taken you and turned you into an angel. Your skin was golden and you had pure white wings. You were surrounded by blue satin and wilted red roses.

When I found you that morning, you were already gone. Your tiny body was cold and lifeless. I held you for 3 hours choking out my tears. There was nothing to hold onto as I spiraled out of control. They said you had suffocated in your sleep, but nobody could tell me how.

Your casket was no more than 30 inches in length. It was dark wood with red and white lace. I didn’t know what to dress you in, but decided that you pink party dress was best. They lowered you into the ground and let go of green balloons. My sister sang you a song. And your godfather gave a beautiful speech.

But there’s only so long you can live with this pain. So here I am. Baby I’m coming to see you and I’m gonna stay. Heaven’s waiting for me.

XoXo - Mommy