We Say Goodbye

Halliwell’s Episology (Year 2)

It would never be the same no more. no loving quotes, no warm hugging, no sweet contacts, no melodious calling and most importantly of all, no more watching her moving around the manor doing the chores, chasing after little Phoebe who refused to wear her shorts, showing Piper the many food and dishes she made and sitting beside coaching me in my studies. She would never be there if little Phoebe falls and hurts herself, never be there to console and kiss her tears. She would never be there if Piper will to bake her first tray of cookies, never be there to tell her that her cookies are the best to her world. She would never be there when the time comes for me to receive my first results slip, never be there to know that I’m good in my what I’m doing and is making her proud.

Oh dearest beloving mummy. why do you have to go?
Why do you have to leave us three all so alone?
Who will teach us all the wrong things right?
Who will lead us to the light from the dark?
Where hence shall we go for fear that strong?
Where hence shall we touch for feelings that lost?
What are we to do at the need of love?
What are we to say for the need of a kiss?
How am I to take the lead for them?
How am I to tell them, my sisters. that mummy you are gone. Forever you left us and ever you’re not coming back.

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I never told Grams of the recurring nightmares I had, of the ones that strangers were zipping you up in a big black bag mummy. The one that you did not move inside the bag, the one that the strangers took it away refusing to let me go near it. I shouted, I yelled, I screamed and I struggled for you mummy. but you didn’t wake up. You were all so wet and you didn’t open your eyes. You could never look at me or Piper or Phoebe anymore, because you longer feel that warm and nice.

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People came and they were gone. I don’t know who they were, some I recognized, most I don’t. All of us were dressed in black, we were at the cemetery and I knew that word. A place for the dead, a place where you see lots of crying. And there we were, standing before the big brown casket. mummy was inside. Grams brought us near and we each put a white rose on it, sealing our forever love for her. I have no idea what the priest said, all the time my eyes were fixed on the casket and all the time Piper’s hand didn’t leave mine. All the time I looked at her, most of the time her eyes were looking down to the ground where her little feet stood on. She didn’t cry much anymore. She didn’t look for mummy since this morning when Grams told us we were sending her on the way to heaven. Surprisingly, she patiently helped little Phoebe with her clothes, something she hasn’t really done yet when mummy was around, because little Phoebe always run away from her. But that day, my littlest sister for once. did not.

I looked up at little Phoebe in Grams arms. For a sister that young who will be celebrating her birthday in two weeks time but without the most important touch, will she understand the feeling that she’s missing? Will she find out the song so different after all mummy used to sing the loudest? I knew one thing though. I will be the loudest this time. There she was staring at mummy’s casket, most likely haven’t the slightest idea why so many people were gathering together. Like Piper, she has been crying herself to sleep, crying not wanting to eat unless mummy was there and crying at the thought that one of us has to leave her for even a few minutes. It was not that she didn’t understand a thing or maybe she really didn’t. We told her mummy was going to a faraway place and she will only be back to visit us in dreams. She cried because she didn’t want that, and most of the time Piper influenced her.

When they lowered the casket into the ground, Piper started sobbing softly and sniffing uncontrollably. I felt my tears rushing up to the corner of my eyes threatening to overflow. It held on, it has to hold on. Looking at little Phoebe, she was pouting her mouth looking at Grams who was trying to hush her before she broke into her own cries. I longed to reach out to both of them, to hold and hug them like mummy did. but who will do that for me?

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That night, Phoebe slept finally after a crying fit. Who said it was the easiest for her? Who said a 2 years old child, barely, won’t face the greatest heartache for she will know less to nothing? Who can try to make her understand, that mummy wasn’t coming back to sing her favorite lullabies till she falls asleep? Who can try to make her understand, that however hard she tried not to sleep, mummy won’t be there to coax her. However hard we managed to lie to her, when she wakes up, mummy still won’t be there to carry her in her arms, to wait for her to fight off the last trace of exhaustion. Grams can’t, Piper can’t and I can’t. But we did the lying and probably little Phoebe really cried herself to sleep. The day’s event was too exhausting for her little body. When she finally breathes gently, Grams ushered us out of the room, to change, wash up and go to bed. I pulled a quiet Piper along, helped to clean her up and put on her pajamas. I set the toothbrush nicely for her to only brush her teeth and throughout the whole process, my sister never utters a single word. Rather, she looked far away, though she hasn’t cried since she came home. She spent the rest of the day playing with Phoebe or actually trying to get her to play.

When we were done, I had her in my hand and was taking her with me to join little Phoebe on the same bed for that very night, I personally felt that it would be for nights and nights. It was then Piper gave my hand a firm jerk directing my attention to her. Looking into her sad brown eyes, I could see that she was fighting not to cry again.

“What is it Piper?” I asked in a soft and gentle voice. I’m tired and I don’t want to make her cry sounding sad and angry myself.
“Prue. I miss mummy. I want her to sleep with me tonight. Can I?”

Tears trickled and I felt my own coming down too. I don’t know what to say to her, I stood there holding her hand looking at her and both of us crying softly wiping our tears as they escaped wildly. I guessed that was a private sisterly moment when the older us let loose our inner pain and emotions. The only thing I remembered telling Piper was.

“I want mummy too Piper. I don’t want mummy to go too.”

I have no idea how long we have been standing there crying our broken hearts out because the next thing I knew, Grams had us in her strong hold. We hid ourselves in her chest and we sobbed to our will. This time, we have got nothing to care, for strangers watching us, or for our littlest sister crying after us. Although Grams gave us a substitute love, the real one could never be replaced. The one that touches us most will forever be lost.

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That night, we slept in each other arms. Phoebe didn’t wake up, Piper slept soundly and I stayed awake. I was thinking, of the times I had with mummy, of the time we had with mummy and of the times we shared mummy with daddy. That was the past, it belonged right there. I knew that from daybreak the next day, I have a new responsibility and an eternal duty. To love and protect my sisters, that was what I promised mummy, and I really want to set her heart free. I dreamt. of mummy holding my hand walking across a never-ending green pasture, where butterflies flew, beautiful flowers bloomed, birds singing sweet melodies and the sky so blue, so warm. Mummy was dressed in white and she looked like an angel. She looked down on me all the time, her gentle eyes, her loving smile and her sweet touch.

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(21 years later)

A scream of pain rang out in the Halliwell’s manor. Footsteps were heard running along the wooden floor, doors opening and finally a light was switched on. Wide-eyes, the two looked at the one who woke them up. She was perspiring, her face was stained with hot tears and her body shook with emotions. The other two each took to her side and pulled her into their hold, allowing her to cry freely, letting her know that her closet ones were with her at times like this. With one rubbing her back, another stroking her hair, her sobbing soon subsided but her hands never left the grip on theirs.

“Honey, are you feeling better now?”
“I will get a hot drink for you.” She was about to leave when the crying one held her down.
“No. Stay. I want both of you to stay.”
“I will be quick.”
“Please. Don’t leave me.” She winced.
“I won’t leave you. I promise sister.”

There was a moment of pause as the sisters simply held one another, rocking to smooth their painful feelings.

“I love you Piper. And I love you too Phoebe.”
“I love you too.” The other two said.
“I love you Piper.”
“I love you Phoebe.” They exchanged.
“Can we sleep together tonight?” The littlest sister asked with hopeful eyes.
“Need no asking sweetie.”
“Right. I need both of you to be by my side.” She sniffed.

And so the two climbed in with the one who had the nightmare. Pulling the covers over themselves, the two turned to the side facing her and held her in their arms, securing their love and protection for her. After all she had done so much for them, after all she had been so brave for them. Now is the moment to show that they are old enough, enough to share her pain or at least letting her know that they will be there when the demons of dream decided to pay her a re-visit.

Prue, the oldest Halliwell sister has been dreaming, of the time when her mother was killed by the lake monster. She couldn’t help but just watched and that hurts her a lot. And that was her most vulnerable time when she needed the assurance from both her younger sisters that they will be there, and all the time, they are there, to hold her, to hush her, to protect her. And most importantly of all, their love for her shut out all her pain.